Dating Prospect #2: Bald and Probably Toothless

So after my wonderful date with The Lisper, one would think I would be disheartened. Nonsense! I have found yet another victim to either love, or tear apart, the latter being more likely. This dude’s picture sends a few warning signs which could also be positives. He is bald, or has a shaved head, despite being only 24, but sometimes if you start balding early it is better just to shave it all off. It shows that you have self confidence and maybe, just maybe, will try a little bit harder in the sack. My mom always fed me lines like that about short men, bald men, ugly men, Jewish men, or all of the above. I remember being ten and coming home from Hebrew school and talking about this kid Marc who had a crush on me:

Me: Marc Stern has a crush on me.

Mom: Aw, he is cute. His mom is nice.

Me: Ew, mom. He is short.

Mom: Short men try harder.

Me: What does that even mean?

Mom: They just…try harder. In ALL aspects of life. (note: My dad is 5’8”)

Then as I got older, it went something like this:

Mom: I think you should date Jason.

Me: I would like to attract someone taller than 5’7” and actually attractive.

Mom: Stop being such a bitch. No one will take care of you as good as a short, homely man.

Me: You mean as a provider?

Mom: Well, hopefully that too. I was referring more to their bedroom skills. What else do they have going for them? They have to compensate somewhere.

If what my mom taught me was correct, this bald, potentially toothless (his two front teeth are present, but they are shorter than the surrounding teeth, sort of like a dog, or wolf) guy who I will refer to as Uncle Fester (from the Addams Family), or Fester for short, from here on out, should be rocking my world soon.

Anyway, I digress (as usual). Let’s return to Fester’s issues. He is wearing a Cornell Football T-shirt. G went to Cornell and knew basically everyone ever because he was a “minor celebrity” on campus, or so he claimed. Fester could just be one of those guys who wear T-shirts from colleges that they didn’t actually go to, thinking that the Cornell name would make him more attractive to me, when a guy's college is actually quite irrelevant. I just hate it when I have to listen to Cornell kids preach their little “Well, uh, Cornell might be the easiest Ivy to get into, but the hardest to graduate from” mantra to their critics because they have some sort of inferiority complex.

This was Fester’s message to me. I can just imagine him greedily drooling over my picture through his missing front teeth, shivering and “heh-heh-heh-ing” a little bit through his darkly encircled eyes:

Hey. How are you? I can't really help you with the job search.....but I might be able to take care of the Jameson's Irish Whiskey. Just a thought. You have a really cute smile. I'd love to hear more about u. Ben

No shit Fest, I know you can’t help me with my job search. I have no interest in doing a Mr. Clean commercial with you. But yes, I am happy you offered the whiskey. It will take the edge off of what will inevitably be a date where I find myself continuously resisting the urge to pet you while blurting out something akin to “Do the drapes match the carpet?”

I have a “really cute smile”? What makes a smile “cute”? I have a damn fine smile. I had eight years of braces, and still wear my retainers every night, after all. C’mon Fest. YOU have the cute smile! Mostly because it bears a strong resemblance to a Jack-O-Lantern or my pug’s mouth when it’s panting and humping my leg.

Nonetheless, I will agree to a drink with you. Especially since you referred to Jameson’s by its full name. Also because your “About Me” has a few flaws, but is not completely awful:

Hi there. A few of my goals in no particular order: saving the world, learning how to cook, and maybe meeting someone nice on j-date. I love laughing and making other people laugh. I'm attracted to people who are driven and have goals for themselves but also prioritize friends and family. I think that goofiness can also be SEXY in proper amounts. I like playing tennis, jogging around the city, and going to the gym. I'm slightly addicted to massage, both giving and receiving. I love traveling and lived in Sweden for a year. I'd love to hear from you if you are a nice jewish girl who knows how to treat a guy right ;)

Your goals are transparent, but I can tell you are trying. I see right through your game. Saving the world? That goal is completely overshadowed by the fact you listed a massage addiction. Massage, no matter how you cut it, is sketch sketch sketch. I know this, because I worked as a sales associate in a massage franchise for two years. Massage therapists, especially the male ones I worked with, were always spending a little too much time feeling up my glutes. What are you going to do? Start a campaign entitled “Rub one out for World Peace”? Please. By listing your love of massage, you have automatically ruined any chance of me, or any girl for that matter, not being creeped out by you. In fact, I am sure that when I meet you, my mind will launch into one of its awful sexual visions like I had with The Lisper. Yours will probably involve me jerking you off under a jiz hardened hand towel in a dimly lit, cigarette tinged room somewhere in South Jersey. And please, “giving and receiving”? More like just “receiving.” No one actually likes “giving,” especially when it comes to sexual stuff like massages. The only reason anyone ever “gives” is because it is the only way to “receive.”

Cooking? Please. I know you are trying to appear sensitive, but when a guy says he wants to learn how to cook, it is most definitely an empty offer. What they are really saying is, “If you cook for me, I’ll attempt to cook for you” which really boils down to “Cook for me! I have no intentions of learning!” I know this, because G always talked about how he could cook slash enjoyed cooking. Did I ever see proof of this? Not really. Unless you count all of the times he talked about how he cooked for his ex and whined about how she never cooked for him in return. Then he would pair these complaints with photos that he had taken with his cell phone of said meals that he had cooked for her. In other words, “I was never actually planning to cook for you. It was just a nice idea I wanted to implant in your head to see if you were going to make the first move towards the kitchen. Now that you have, I’m just going to sit here on this couch while you fry me some chicken in a dreidel apron.”

Probably my biggest problem with this paragraph is the part about goofiness in “proper amounts.” I’m sure we’d be compatible on some levels, but I am goofy all the damn time. I’m sure if I show one extra shred of my personality, he’ll have a breakdown like my first ex boyfriend did (Let’s call him Patrick Bateman--albeit a much less attractive version--because he is a narcissistic prick who works in finance and probably hides dead body parts in his freezer). At our six year anniversary dinner at Dinosaur BBQ, I took a potato ball off of his plate and bit into it while it was still on my fork while making “nom nom nom” noises. He dropped his utensils and screamed “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING???” as if he had just walked in on me diddling myself with Hitler's moustache. His explanation for screaming at me in the middle of a this West Harlem BBQ joint like I had just taken a shit on the floor in the middle of Buckingham Palace had to do with his new found belief in the rules of proper dining etiquette: You NEVER bite something off of a fork. Either you put the entire thing in your mouth, or you cut it into pieces with a knife. I should have taken his advice later that night; unfortunately his dick never merited being cut into smaller pieces. Boom.

Anyway, despite his resemblance to my least favorite Addams Family character, I feel like we may get along since we have similar priorities (life ambitions, looking good, family, friends etc.). Things will go especially well for the Fest if I find out that his baldness is in keeping with my “damaged goods” theme (i.e. he has a genetic defect, or better yet, Alopecia). Except upon reexamining his photo, I noticed he has eyebrows. So I guess he’s just plain bald. Wish me luck!