Date scheduled for Tuesday (not cousin Wednesday!) with Uncle Fester

So I have had some recent correspondences with the Fest and we have finally planned our date. He actually isn't sounding too bad, and he even changed his JDate profile picture to a nice black and white side shot where he looks like a distinguished bald man, confident in his reflective glory. I won't go into a long rant about how black and white photos tend to disguise complexion issues and how side angles are always more flattering (I myself am a huge fan of the side hand on the hip pose) because I want to be optimistic. This picture is promising. He looks like the kind of guy that I might actually let massage me. Emphasis on MIGHT.

Here are some messages between us over the past week in ascending order:

Hey (insert Ginge's actual name here). HOw are you? And how was your 4th of July? I was at a rooftop party in brooklyn with some friends. I had an amazing time. Hope you had fun too. How is the job search going? Any progress? Sure, we could definitely plan something out..... I'm not exactly sure what my schedule looks like for the week just yet. But I've been meaning to check out some of central park while the weather stays nice. Would you be interested in that?

Ginge - How was Bethany Beach? Tuesday works for me. I get out of work at around 6:30. How does coffee in central park sound? Tonight I'm off to karaoke and salsa dancing with some friends. Should be fun!

Ginge - Let's meet at 7:00 at the Starbucks between 72nd and 73rd on colombus avenue. Have you ever been to the pavilllion in Strawberry fields? I've been meaning to get out there. I was thinking we could grab coffee and walk into hte park.

The one thing that alarmed me throughout all of these messages (minus his apparent vendetta against spell check) was his desire to have our first meeting in the park. Now I love Central Park, and all NYC parks for that matter, but for a first date? I have a feeling a lot of Law & Order episodes begin in very much the same manner. As a result, I sent him the following reply as a warning to him that nobody fucks with the ginge:

Hey Fest-Sure. We can meet at 7p at Starbucks. Do you live on the UWS around there? You should know that I will use this initial meeting spot as an opportunity to scan you for questionable materials, like a handkerchief and chloroform, that you could potentially use on me prior to taking me to the park. I have been to the pavilion in Strawberry Fields and it's nice, but hopefully "Strawberry Fields" isn't really code for some sort of ditch or abandoned woods in which you plan to leave my dismembered body, because that wouldn't be ku. Anyway, I am looking forward to meeting you and hope you have a great rest of your weekend! -Ginge

I know the message is a little intense, but at least I'm being honest. Plus, on some level he might find it charming or hilarious, or even think that it is very smart of me to have these kind of concerns. It's funny, though, because I don't think my biggest concern for this date is even really the possibility of being chloroformed, it's that I will have an extremely hard time focusing on anything this kid is talking about because I will be too busy trying not to shit myself as a result of the fatal combination of Starbucks Coffee and brisk NYC-style walking through the park. I can already envision myself profusely nodding my head while awkwardly hopping from foot to foot and squeezing my butt cheeks together.

Anyway, he sent me a text today since I gave him my phone number, figuring it was easier for planning than continuing to exchange messages through the site. He said: "Hey Alaska. It's Fest. You have a jdate message. Eat lots of crabs lol". I can only assume that the "Alaska" reference was for Alaskan King Crabs because I told him that I was having a crab feast in Bethany Beach for my friend's birthday (even though these crabs were technically Maryland ones), and the "lol" could have easily been substituted with a punctuation mark, but hey - it is hands-down better than an emoticon. Despite the cheesiness, I like that he was clearly trying to be clever, even if it sounded a tad caveman-esque (Thanks, J). But then again, what do you expect from a former college football player? Nonetheless, I'm impressed. He's just trying to work with what charm he's got and I can respect that.

So the date is for Tuesday. At least I know that if he starts to say stupid things and piss me off (though I have a hard time believing that anything could be worse than The Lisper), I can probably shut him up by shoving a light bulb in his mouth.*

*Addams Family reference: Uncle Fester was known to be able to illuminate a light bulb by putting it in his mouth.