So I signed into my JDate account today to a slew of messages, naturally weeding out any weirdos above age 29 (and believe me there were A LOT) and of course, anyone who dares send me a "flirt" (cheesy pre-written messages offered by the site for people who can't just nut up and say "nice tits. lets drink."). Anyway, my first victim is looking to be a breed of Jew similar to my brother: short, obsessed with working out, wearing a questionable gold chain, and perhaps worst of all, he takes all of his pictures with his chin pointed upwards and eyes slightly squinting.* Every guy has their own special pose in photos but this one seems to be a favorite among a lot of guys I know because they think for some reason it makes them look like they are “the man”—shooting you a nod that basically says “yeah I see you and I am going to mess up that pussy the first chance I get.” My other theory about the chin-up pose is that this “come hither” look is supposed to detract from the fact that they are just not that attractive. Or that they have some sort of hideous deformity, like a scar, hairy mole, or a glass eye.
The photos themselves are mediocre at best, and unfortunately, the fact half of them are with his attractive female friends are not boding well for him. I understand when guys post pictures of themselves with other girls on a dating site, they are doing it to appear as if they are, once again, “the man,” and perhaps, most importantly, not dangerous. It’s the same concept as guys who bring their girl friends with them to the strip club. Strippers are more likely to approach guys who have girls with them because it implies that they are more harmless than the unaccompanied men in the club. It’s a slightly ridiculous thought process if you ask me. I’ve been to strip clubs with my guy friends who are almost all sexual deviants with questionable morals, not completely unlike me. Yet, solely on the basis of the fact they have me with them, none of this background information is considered by the stripper, who naturally approaches our table as if they have just touched base in the midst of the perverse game of tag taking place around them.
Nonetheless, his “About Me” looks innocent enough:
I'm straight forward, sensible, sarcastic and funny. I work hard in sales all over new york, new jersey and the tri state area. I'm looking for a real cute, smart, fun and sensible girl. I'm a good guy, a big sports fan and I ALWAYS SMELL GOOD. Just my thing.
…and the message he sent me wasn’t totally creepy:
hey....wanna meet for a drink in nyc or grab a bite tonight? Let me know. I think you're real cute..
Love Jameson on the rocks. Never get a hangover the next morning.
Ok, so maybe his profile and accompanying message are a little creepy, but I guarantee I am creepier, and not even in a flirtatious way. Also, his emphasis on how good he smells helps, but if his cologne is super strong I will probably whip out my inhaler and make a show of it. As a former English major, I slightly cringed at the incomplete sentences and rogue capitalizations, but as a Jameson’s lover, the fate of this guy remains yet to be seen. If he can really drink Jameson’s on the rocks, hold it together, and not be hungover the next day, he might have a chance. He also offered the possibility of food, which is always a plus in my book. When someone asks to meet up for a drink, they typically are trying to test the waters so if it’s awkward they can get out quickly and the bill is minimal. When food is in the picture, an already awkward date becomes infinitely more painful because your ability to escape is hindered by the quickness of the wait staff. In the past, when I’ve been on a date involving food, I make an effort to choose something that will not get all over my face. If I see that I don’t like the person (which I can tell usually within 5 minutes of meeting someone), then I will order the greasiest, fried, cheesy catastrophe to accompany my Jameson’s on the rocks just so I can visually and psychologically disgust them with my ballsy food choices.
Anyway, we shall see how much of his profile is true. Hopefully almost none of it, since he claims dates 2 or 3 could be “something fun like a baseball game,” which I view as being just about as much fun as say, slitting my wrists in a bathtub full of cats.
*I see these Jews as a sort of Guido Lite, because they share some of the same features of our Italian friends (i.e. tan, bejeweled, gelled hair, uses key phrases like “WHOA WHOA WHOA”), but typically do not sport them all at the same time.
No comments:
Post a Comment